Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
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[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.