*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
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Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
FRED: right
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee