Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the icebreaker

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

paddle faster i hear baby shark

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’