Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
