*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
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Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Woke up against my better judgment again
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
This will never not be funny to me.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
yeet
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you