*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
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[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.