*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.