[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
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me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
this makes me so uncomfortable
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor