I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
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The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.