ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
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Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Your word is ‘effusive’
That is correct. What was your name?
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.