*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
You Might Also Like
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.