approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious