Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
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Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Finally, a door that understands me
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea