April 1st is the class clown of days.
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[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’