April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
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[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.