April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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Yup….perfect score!
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind