Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
i’m sure it’s fine
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
bury ourselves
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.