Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
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[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Ha
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats