@kariassad Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
@JohnLyonTweets Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
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@kariassad 
@chillandwoke I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
@Reverend_Scott ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
@beefman138 Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
@Hobo_Splendido Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
@brennadine Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
@online_shawn It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
@snowmedia My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
@AbrasiveGhost What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
@Home_Halfway “I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well