@JohnLyonTweets

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

You Might Also Like

@kariassad

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

@chillandwoke

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

@Reverend_Scott

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

@beefman138

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

@Hobo_Splendido

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

@brennadine

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

@online_shawn

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

@snowmedia

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

@AbrasiveGhost

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?