Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
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“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.