Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

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Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January


I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.


ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.



Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.


Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!


Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.


It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC


My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.


What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?