[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
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It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple