me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

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A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her


I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”


Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.


Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.


ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.


“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers


I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.


Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?


If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.