Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
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What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets