Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
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completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Cardio Made Easy
My whole life was a lie.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.