Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

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Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.


My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move


Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone


SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there


If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.


Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.


Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?


Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.


I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”


A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.