@stevevsninjas

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

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@Cheeseboy22

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

@XplodingUnicorn

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

@brendohare

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

@TheHyyyype

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

@JulieSnark

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

@RodLacroix

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

@schumoo

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

@geekysteven

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

@CorkyCrashed

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

@Mormonger

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.