@macchiatonumb Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
@IanKarmel Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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@macchiatonumb 
@ObscureAaron If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
@HousewifeOfHell My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
@Reverend_Scott I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
@elclimo ⛄️
@PaperWash angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
@RuthePhoenix Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
@Stellacopter If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
@adamzopf I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
@NYC_Blonde My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.