Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Blew out my flip flop…
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.