Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

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Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look


If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.


My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.


I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.


angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla


Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.


If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.


I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?


My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.