Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Always
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.