[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
This checks out
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Yup
A dad and his duck
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.