Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Stop sending me this shit.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills