Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway