Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
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LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.