“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
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imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Don’t we all.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE