Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
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[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
giddy up Office Depot
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Welcome to the stomach
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.