@StatMan_Who

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

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@Reverend_Scott

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

@MedusaOusa

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

@OrangeFact

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

@lazerdoov

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

@YoungNobler

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

@KenJennings

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

@naledimashishi

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

@AweShadySome

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

@coketruck76

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

@BigHeb7

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.