@StatMan_Who

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

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@SteveKoehler22

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

@girl_a_whirl

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

@HenpeckedHal

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

@shutupmikeginn

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

@topaz_kell

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

@Writepop

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

@lincnotfound

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

@UncleDuke1969

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

@SheMightHave

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.

@TinkleOverYou

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.