are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
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has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
The Book. The Movie.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
sin harder.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..