Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
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Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Livid.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast