Are kids ever okay at all?😂
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Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.