Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
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My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
the official breakfast of 2021
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.