Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.