Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
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Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time