Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
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Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house