Are these grass-fed oranges?
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Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
*puts words between two asterisks*
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾