Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
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I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Friday
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket