are they though??
You Might Also Like
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?