are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
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BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.