are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
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ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?