“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
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(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
kids play hide and seek like
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”