@WilliamAder

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

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@dave_cactus

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

@QwertyJones3

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

@DocAtCDI

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

@Tbone7219

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

@Cpin42

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

@KeetPotato

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

@iwearaonesie

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

@Tmoney68

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.