Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

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ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.


PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam


for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”


“read” is pronounced like “lead”


Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.


I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.


playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”


If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up


People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.