Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
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Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.