are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
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I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.