Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
You Might Also Like
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”