Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
i smell a pulitzer
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
mom gave me mine for free
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey