Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
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October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs