“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
BaD BoY!!
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
What kind of a cult is this?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.