Are we there yet?…
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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My patronus is a cheeseburger
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.