Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
You Might Also Like
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.